Motherhood

The Painful Side of Mother’s Day

Blog_CactusFlowerMother’s Day is not a bouquet of fragrant flowers for everyone. For some, it feels more like a fistful of pain-inducing thorns—an unwelcome reminder of things lost. A day meant for honoring mothers becomes a time of remembering the one who was never there, or the one who left to soon. Or it maybe it awakens the droning ache of unfulfilled longing for motherhood.

For many years, that ache was my Mother’s Day companion. Though I was blessed with a good mom who inspired in me the certainty there was no greater calling than motherhood, I was unable to have children in the biological sense. Adoption was always something my husband and I had desired to pursue, so it was no hard decision to journey in that direction. The process, however, was another story.

While the outcome of adoption is always beautiful and miraculous, the process is the emotional equivalent of the pain and exhaustion involved in pregnancy and labor multiplied exponentially and drawn out for years. Despite all the toil and sacrifice, there were times when I wondered if it was ever going to happen. And more times than that I was tempted to give up.

This month, my daughter turns seven. Her favorite past-time is playing with her two year-old brother. I sit here now, laptop on the kitchen counter, surrounded by bags of clothes they’ve outgrown. Exhaustion is setting in after a full morning at the laundromat and an even fuller afternoon of dishes, diapers, and more. I spent the evening cuddling my son and reveling in my daughter’s smile, knowing God turned all my tears in to songs of joy. My children were worth the wait.

Through all my waiting, I learned that every tear sowed waters the ground for joy to spring forth. And that is my prayer for those who suffer on the painful side of Mother’s Day. May God give you eyes to see through your sorrow, and ears to hear him speak peace to your storms. May you know that our God is the lifter of heavy burdens and the comforter of all who mourn. He is able to sustain the weary, uphold the weak, and repair the broken… turning tears of sorrow into seeds of hope..

Eye Level

Parent with Child Silhouette from Bing ImagesI never imagined there’d be so many work-related hazards involved in motherhood. It’s for good reason I sit with caution when playing with my son on the floor. He doesn’t realize how strong he is. I’m usually not prepared for his impromptu body-slams and NFL-worthy tackle-hugs, not to mention all the times he’s nailed me smack between the eyes with a whiffle ball or some other unidentified flying plastic object.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier just to keep my distance. Sitting in the corner on a tall kitchen stool would be safer. Locking myself behind a child safety gate might offer some protection. Or maybe I should just invest in some football gear. A good helmet and some thick padding might lessen the potential for severe injury.

As much as I might want to shelter myself from my son’s innocent though dangerous playtime antics, I’m learning how important it is to play on his level. Sitting eye to eye with him is one small way of expressing my love. It requires humbling myself—even at the risk of getting hurt. Most often, when I engage him in this way, I’m rewarded with at least one of those tackle-hugs and a few ugga-muggas.

As I sit on the floor, eye-level with my son, I think of how God humbled himself for us. He didn’t spin the world in to motion only to leave us as orphans. He came and lived among us, dwelling among the outcasts of society—loving those the world had rejected and touching those others refused to touch. He understands our sufferings because he suffered as we do, and more—humbling himself to the point of death. And all so he could be eye-level with us…all so he could show us what true love is.

“And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death– even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:8)

True Love…is HUMBLE (Day 42, #50ShadesOfTrueLove)

I Would Have Loved a Green, One-eyed Alien Child

Mother Child Shadow from Bing ImagesPeople say the most interesting things when it comes to the topic of adoption. Often humorous, sometimes rude, occasionally ignorant, but always interesting. Among the most interesting comments we’ve received is, “Of course you picked them. They’re so cute.” (Implying we chose our kids according to their most obviously endearing quality.)

Often, my response is a simple, polite smile. I usually don’t think of a good response until after the fact. As for the comment in question, I didn’t have an immediate reply except to say, “They ARE cute.”

And they ARE. Irresistably, impossibly, just-look-at-me-with-those-big-brown-eyes-and-I’ll-give-you-the-world…CUTE. But truth is, we had no idea what our kids would look like when we started the adoption process. They could have been green, one-eyed alien children for all we knew. We were ready, and willing, to love them—before we ever knew them. The fact that they happened to be so incredibly cute was an unexpected blessing.

Contrary to popular though immensely misguided belief, adoption is not about finally getting that much-desired bundle of joy. It’s not about filling empty, longing arms with a sweet, cuddly baby. And it’s not about picking a cute, lovable kid to add ascetic value to the next family photo.

Adoption is a permanent choice to invest our lives in a PERSON who will be part of our family…for life. That adorably innocent baby will one day grow to become a child, a teen, and, eventually, an adult. That’s why adoption is a long-haul commitment. It’s a binding decision to love at all costs, no matter what and for as long as we have breath. As with a biological child, relationship with an adopted child is a lifelong investment. They are loved, and they are family, no matter what they look like, who they are, what they do, or who they become. And their value is worth more than the greatest treasure we can imagine.

The Bible says God loved us before we were even born. His commitment to love runs so deep he sent his only son to die that we could be reconciled in relationship with him. And he willingly adopts us into his own family, should we chose to accept his invitation. This love is a binding love that doesn’t give up and doesn’t let go. No matter what.

“God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.” (Ephesians 1:5)

True Love…is BINDING (Day 40, #50ShadesOfTrueLove)

Pure Love

Ice Cream Hearts from Bing Images It started out as an endearing moment. After gifting me with an impromptu hug, my daughter lingered by my side, snuggling against my arm. I felt so loved.

“Awww, you must’ve really missed me this afternoon.” I stretched out my arms and returned the hug, reveling in her childlike affection. That’s when I noticed her glance shifting from my face to the fridge and back.

“Wellllllll, Mommy…” She looked at me with pity and expectation. “I’d really like something cold. You know, with chocolate on both sides and ice cream in the middle.”

“Oh, I get it.” I smiled wryly. “You don’t want me, you want an ice cream sandwich.”

She shrugged, face brightening with her shy, sweet smile. “Ummmm, yeeeahhh…”

I had to laugh. While my daughter has times when ulterior motives overtake her little shows of affection, I have no doubt that she truly loves me. Moments like these are humorous in light of her precious innocence.

But there are those in this world who don’t have such childlike innocence. Ulterior motives undergird their actions and poison their words. It’s not cute or funny when an adult uses love as a guise for selfish ambition. The smallest amount of poison can kill the most tender of hearts.

Have you heard of the woman from Samaria? She’d become so used to men approaching her with ulterior motives, it was expected as commonplace. And she was known for succumbing to their greedy desires. Until one day she met a man who asked nothing of her but water from the well. In return, he offered her water that would never leave her thirsty again—a water of true love from pure motives.

This woman, who’d spent years living to fulfill the insatiable appetites of others, was now filled with an understanding of what love was meant to be. This understanding transformed her life, healed her heart, and gave her renewed purpose. Because we were created to be filled with life transforming love—a love that is pure, and a love that purifies.

“Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’” (John 4:13-14)

True Love…is PURE (Day 34, #50ShadesOfTrueLove)

Beautiful Noise

Caution Signs from Bing Images There are few sounds I love more than the sound…of silence. While some might get restless in a quiet house, I get inspired. It means there will be time to think and write, and maybe even rest. Solitude is one of my closest friends.

As much as I love quiet, I don’t get a lot of it. It’s tough to come by in a house with two high-energy kids, a persistent cat, and a dog who barks at everything that passes by our front door (even if it’s a leaf). Last year for my birthday, I asked for a half-day locked in the bedroom—alone with my computer and a mind full of uninterrupted ideas. But even the closed door and droning fan couldn’t drown out the noise beyond.

It wasn’t long before my solitude was invaded by something not-so-peaceful. The kids played on and squealed in ear-piercing decibels, blissfully unaware there was a momster of a storm brewing on the other side of the door. Before the storm could erupt to full-blown chaos, something stopped me. A still, small voice whispering. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

I reluctantly unplugged the fan that had drowned out a fraction of the noise, and listened. What I heard calmed the storm within. It was the sound of life and joy and fun and innocence. All too soon, those little noise-makers will be grown and my house will be quiet once again.

Be slow to anger. Listen. That gentle reminder helped me to hear the beautiful noise surrounding me. In the midst of that noise, there is peace. And I wouldn’t have found it had I been quick to anger.

True Love…is SLOW to ANGER (Day 32, #50ShadesOfTrueLove)

I See Royalty

Crown of Flowers from Bing Images My most rewarding day as a mommy was when my daughter finally accepted that she’s a princess. Prior to that day, she’d been doubtful. “Mommy, I’m not a princess,” she’d say. “I’m just a girl.” I don’t know how the change finally came about, but to my great satisfaction she woke up one day and declared, “Mommy, I AM a princess.”

A princess she is, not much different from those who talk to animals and sing with birds in the fairytales. One day, we were walking down a city street when she pointed and gasped, “Oh, Mommy. Look…a eagle.” I gently explained that it was actually a pigeon—the bird version of a rat. Her reply? “No, Mommy. It’s a eeeeaaagle.” Where I saw a mere pigeon, she saw the royalty of birds.

Her childlike vision humbles me. She’s able to see beauty where few can find it. We walk in a field of dandelions, and she sees roses. “Mommy, look…a foolllwer.” It’s not long before she has a dozen or so wilted weeds in her hand. But to her, it’s a royal bouquet.

I want to see the world the way my daughter sees it. It wasn’t hard for me to see my precious little girl as a princess. But there are times when it’s hard to look beyond this world of darkness and find beauty.

That’s why I believe our worldview is the most influential aspect of our lives. If we’re convinced we were derived from a speck of dust, it’s no surprise when we start treating others as such. But if we see the vast beauty, order, and intricacy of this amazing world—and believe that behind it all is the hand of a loving creator who deems his children royalty, our vision of the world, ourselves, and others…changes.

When our vision changes, so do our actions. How would we act in the presence of a king or a queen? When we begin to see the average person as royalty, we’ll treat them the same.

My prayer is that my vision will change, and hence—my actions. I want to see the world through childlike eyes. When it comes to circumstances, I want to walk through a field of weeds and see the roses. When it comes to people, I want to look in the eyes of the most humble…and see royalty.

True Love…is VISIONARY (Day 22, #50ShadesOfTrueLove)

But I Thought You LOVED Me

Blog_BandaidHeart Oh, the look on my son’s face when I told him he couldn’t stick his head in the toilet. And when I thwarted his attempt to dive face-first into the empty bathtub. Or that time he figured out how to remove the protective shields from the electric sockets and I had to snatch his hand from certain danger. Those huge brown eyes, that look of shock. “Really, Mommy? Tell ME ‘no’? But I thought you LOVED me.”

That look of surprise typically melts into that smile he knows I can’t resist. He squints his eyes as if to say, “How can you tell this FACE ‘no’?” And he knows just how hard it is. When I steel my resolve against his charming tactics, that smile fades into the most pathetic, heart-rending pout. And when that doesn’t work…the WAIL that says, “If you loved me, you’d let me do whatever I want”.

Of course, big, compassionate sister comes to the rescue with that look. “How could you tell my impossibly cute baby brother ‘NO’?” And as they both stare me down with those eyes I have to explain I was saving him from drowning, cracking his skull, getting electrocuted, or whatever other potential disaster I just helped to evade. I may have even been saving his LIFE. No matter how I explain, they just don’t understand.

I’ve never liked being misunderstood. Especially when I’m saying or doing something because I love someone. The prevailing mindset is if we love someone, we watch them do whatever makes them happy even if we know it’s gonna hurt them. If it makes them happy to walk down the middle of a busy street and step in front of a semi, hey—just let them. If I say there’s a sidewalk to keep them safe from traffic, I’m considered narrow-minded and unloving. Just let me do what I want. The semi’s coming at me full-speed, but don’t intervene. It wouldn’t be loving.

If I love my kids, I’m most certainly going to intervene if something could hurt them (or if they’re about to hurt somebody else). In truth, it would be neglectful not to intervene. It’s the same in any relationship. If I see a friend or loved one nearing the edge of a deadly cliff, the loving thing is to say—and do, something…even if it’s misunderstood.

True love cares more about others’ well being above it’s own. It means being willing to step out of our comfort zones and even risk our reputation, if that’s what it takes to help someone. As for me, I sometimes have to be dubbed “the mean mommy” for a few hours because I cared enough to keep my kid from taste-testing the cat litter. Keeping the ones I love safe (and healthy!) is worth it. Even when I’m misunderstood.

True Love…is often MISUNDERSTOOD (Day 19, #50ShadesOfTrueLove)